Howdy, friends! It’s your ol’ pal Mary here, settling in with my cup of chamomile tea and the good ol’ Bible by my side. Now, before you go clicking away, thinking you’ve heard it all about “toxic friendships” from some new-aged, granola-crunching millennial, stick with me. After all, if you leave now, you’ll miss my secret for dealing with Gail, my neighbor who swears that mayonnaise is a full-bodied breakfast spread.

Alright, let’s dive into the murky depths of toxic friendships. We’ve all had ’em. Scratch that, we’ve all BEEN them sometimes (yes, even yours truly). It’s like when your best fishing buddy, Sam, keeps borrowing your tackle and never returning it, but you can’t help but keep him around because he’s got that snazzy boat.

Unequal give-and-take

You know you’re in a toxic friendship when it feels as one-sided as my Aunt Mildred’s view on politics. Think about Christmas dinners where you bring homemade, hand-knit scarves, and your so-called friend gifts you… an IOU? No, no, friends should be like Jesus at the last supper—ready to give equally and share the bread.

Criticism and negativity

Have you ever met those friends who would find a cloud in the middle of a sunny day? Your hair’s too curly, oh wait, now it’s too straight. Heaven forbid you gain a pound, and suddenly it’s like you’re on the cover of the National Enquirer. A true friend will ‘cup runneth over’ with compliments and constructive feedback, not painful barbs reminiscent of Satan’s temptations in the desert.

Manipulation and control

If you’ve ever seen the movie, “Gaslight,” you know exactly what I’m talking about. Some friends are more of hypnotists, steering you in the direction they want (usually for their own gain). They’ll have you believing their flattering words one minute, and then you’re signed up for PTA meetings you didn’t even agree to the next minute. Faulty friends should be as plain as recognizing God’s guidance; it’s always straightforward without hidden agendas.

Lack of support

Remember the time you tried starting that garage band for retirees? And your “friends” laughed louder than a hyena with a tickle problem? Ah, I remember it well. Friends ought to be your cheerleaders, supporting you like our brave troops overseas—faithfully and without question. Your dreams, no matter how wacky, deserve a standing ovation, not a chuckle.

Secret-keeping and lies

This one’s as clear as a sermon on a Sunday morning. You find out they’ve been yapping behind your back or keeping things from you. The only time secrets are okay is if you’re hiding a surprise party (or in the case of my husband, his secret stash of Oreos). Deceit and underhandedness have no place in real friendships, just like there’s no room for sin in the eyes of the Lord.

Recognizing and breaking free

Now, recognizing these red flags is the first step to breaking free. Yeah, it’s tough, tougher than Thanksgiving turkeys we’ve all encountered. But you have to, for yourself and for the blessings you’re yet to receive. Just as our founding fathers broke free from, ahem, less than stellar company to create this beautiful nation, you too can declare your independence!

First, lean on the Big Man Upstairs. Pray for guidance and wisdom. I once prayed to understand why my friend Edna never called me back, and the Good Lord showed me—she was busy rearing 14 cats and honestly, I couldn’t compete. Surround yourself with true believers, people who lift you up like those faithful ‘Make America Great Again’ rallies. Your time and spirit are precious, don’t squander them.

Finally, muster the courage to be honest. Tell your friend how you feel. They say it’s better to be slapped by the truth than kissed by a lie, and as much as I’d rather avoid the drama, sometimes a good ol’ fashion confrontation (backed by a prayer circle) is what’s needed.

So there you have it, folks. Recognize the parasites, take steps to free yourself, and let’s get back to living the prosperous, faith-filled life we’re meant for. Remember, the grass is always greener once you’ve pulled out the weeds.

Don’t forget to bookmark this page, share it with your prayer group, and let’s keep each other strong in faith and friendship! Now, back to my chamomile—I’ve got a sermon at dawn, and I need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Until next time, God bless!