Single dresses, but new from the old laces
Maybe it’s not so bad to be alone. Cristina Butuc says so …. Do you agree?
Peace and quiet are not the most frightening things. You get to the point where you rejoice that the inner tumult is gone, that you are fulfilled and happy. That moment to thank for what you have and to hope, even to think that you can have more. You look around and see that you only have people who love you. You realized that maybe the most important moment was when you let the rest go. Now you enjoy the people and the prerogatives of life. You finally feel that life is more than a city sictirit, black and bad people or ridiculous dramas. That the tickets you’ve composted so far aren’t just round-trip tickets.
You realize that there is your star, but there are infinitely many other stars around, which will go out at some point. But not with you. Finally you see that you have to fight so that you can shine in the sky and be able to appear one more night next to the rest. You finally left the curtains of the past alone, you just broke the last one and made her a wedding dress out of it. Let her enjoy what you left behind. You left her lace stuffed with tears and tobacco. However, you stole a piece of material so you could add it to the cut of your new dress. Like an old patch on freshly bought material from the store called Viitor.
You will also end up teaching about lace and curtains or, if you choose, about stars and tobacco. About what you want, because you choose happiness, justice, anxiety, people, lessons and the road. You choose everything! Only time, timing and the reasons on which you base your actions matter. You will know that the cause-effect relationship is not a simple phrase and that desires are not simple words thrown into the universe. You will learn that they return to the form and background spoken. And last but not least, that materializing is all about your ability and ambition. That you can be anyone, but not everyone can be “you”.
So did I . I tried to learn that I was not afraid of loneliness. To finally get to enjoy it. I love to walk alone, crazy on the living streets in an unsafe city. I like insecurity. I’m not afraid to go home to an empty apartment either. I don’t even have to go to bed alone. But I’m scared to death, not to miss anyone or to love. This is how I see loneliness: no longing, no twinkle. Yes, after many years, I am finally alone. As I wished. At first I controlled it. I took her proud because I knew that even though I was safe, I was not alone: I had you. Gone too far, but you. I could still feel the ecstatic thrill with you and others. It was bad, but good. It was good, but too bad.
So, I gave up. That’s how I got away from myself. I closed the doors with the padlock of indifference. That’s how I overcame my biggest fear. I no longer depend on longing, contempt, pleasure and love. I chose to put everything in my suitcase and leave. That’s how I managed to find happiness and not ecstasy.
And after years of searching in the pile of new dresses from old lace, stars and people, I found myself in the grand finale.
