When Love Feels Like a Burden

My MIL always helped us with babysitting, household chores, and rent. Recently, my FIL passed away, and it was a tough time for her. She called me for help, and I did. But eventually, I stopped answering her calls because I felt overwhelmed and didnโ€™t know how to say โ€œnoโ€ without sounding cruel.

At first, it was small things. She’d ask if I could pick up a few groceries or help with the lightbulbs she couldnโ€™t reach. Sometimes she just wanted company, which I understood. Grief is lonely. I tried my best, especially those first few weeks after my FIL passed.

But I had my own family, two toddlers, a job, and a mountain of laundry that never seemed to shrink. My husband, Martin, worked long hours, and most of the day-to-day home stuff fell on me. I started to feel pulled in too many directions.

She began calling every other day. Then, almost daily. Sometimes twice. Iโ€™d see her name flash on my screen and feel guilty before even answering. That was a red flag I ignored for too long.

One Thursday afternoon, after I had just cleaned up a smoothie explosion in the kitchen, she called asking if I could drive her to a dental appointmentโ€”one she had forgotten to mention earlier. I froze. I looked at the mess, then at my two-year-old pulling at my pants with sticky fingers, and I just let the call go to voicemail.

I didnโ€™t call back. I told myself Iโ€™d do it later. But later became never.

Days turned into weeks. I told Martin, โ€œYour momโ€™s calling me too much. I canโ€™t handle it. Iโ€™ve got the kids, the house, and everything else. Iโ€™m sorry, but I need space.โ€

He looked tired too. โ€œI get it,โ€ he said quietly. โ€œBut sheโ€™s alone now. You know she was always there for us.โ€

โ€œI know,โ€ I whispered. โ€œBut I feel like Iโ€™m drowning.โ€

Instead of finding a solution, I just avoided her. Martin said heโ€™d check in on her more, and he did. Heโ€™d call, sometimes drop off dinner. But she noticed my silence.

One Sunday, she sent a text: โ€œHope everythingโ€™s okay. Miss the kids. Miss you.โ€

I didnโ€™t reply. Not because I was angryโ€”but because I didnโ€™t know how to explain myself. I didnโ€™t want to hurt her.

Then, something unexpected happened.

Martin came home one evening, looking shaken. โ€œMom had a fall,โ€ he said. โ€œNothing too serious, but she was on the kitchen floor for almost an hour before she could reach her phone.โ€

I felt cold all over. I imagined her lying there, helpless, maybe even calling out for someoneโ€”me. And I hadnโ€™t picked up her calls for almost three weeks.

The guilt rushed in, sharp and deep.

โ€œIโ€™m going to stay with her for a couple of nights,โ€ Martin said. โ€œJust until she gets steady again.โ€

I nodded, but my heart was heavy. I went into the kitchen and looked at the high chair, the half-eaten crackers on the counter, the chaos that made me feel like I couldnโ€™t breatheโ€”and I thought of her. She had once cleaned this very same mess for us. Held our babies when I needed to nap. Paid our rent when Martin got laid off.

And now she was alone.

The next morning, I loaded the kids into the car and drove over to her house. I didnโ€™t tell Martin I was coming. I justโ€ฆ came.

She opened the door slowly, leaning on a cane. Her eyes widened when she saw me. Then she smiledโ€”a small, tired smile.

โ€œI brought breakfast,โ€ I said.

She didnโ€™t say anything at first. Just opened the door wider. The kids ran in, giggling, and she bent carefully to hug them. I saw tears in her eyes.

I sat with her in the kitchen while she made tea. I apologized, awkwardly at first. But then it all spilled out.

โ€œI was just so tired,โ€ I said. โ€œNot of you, but of everything. I didnโ€™t know how to balance it all. I thought ignoring your calls was easier than explaining that I wasnโ€™t okay.โ€

She nodded slowly, staring into her mug. โ€œI understand. Grief makes everything heavierโ€”for all of us.โ€

We sat in silence. The kids laughed in the other room.

Then she said, โ€œI wasnโ€™t calling to burden you. I was calling because I missed you. I missed the noise, the mess, even the chaos. It made me feel less alone.โ€

I reached across the table and took her hand. It was thin, but warm.

โ€œIโ€™m here now,โ€ I said.

From that day forward, I visited her once a week. Sometimes more. But I also set boundaries. I told her when I needed space, and she respected it. We found a rhythm.

She began helping again tooโ€”baking muffins for the kids, folding laundry when she came over. And we talked more honestly. About grief, exhaustion, fear, and love.

One evening, while tucking in my daughter, she asked, โ€œMommy, is Grandma sad all the time now?โ€

I paused. โ€œNot all the time,โ€ I said. โ€œBut sometimes. And thatโ€™s okay. Weโ€™re helping her feel better by being with her.โ€

My daughter thought for a moment. โ€œLike how she helped you when I was a baby?โ€

โ€œExactly like that,โ€ I whispered.

Months passed. Then a year. Things got betterโ€”not perfect, but better.

Then came another twist.

Martinโ€™s company downsized, and he was laid off. We were back where we had been years agoโ€”struggling. Rent was late. Groceries were tight. I looked at our bank account and panicked.

That night, my MIL showed up with a bag of groceries and an envelope. I tried to refuse it.

โ€œNo,โ€ I said. โ€œYouโ€™ve done enough.โ€

She looked at me, calm and steady. โ€œLet me help. This is what family does. We hold each other up when someoneโ€™s falling.โ€

I cried, right there on the porch.

A week later, Martin got a callโ€”he was offered a job at a new firm. Better pay, more security. It felt like a reward we didnโ€™t expect.

I called my MIL right away. She cried too.

And thatโ€™s when I understood something deep. Life isnโ€™t about keeping score. Itโ€™s not about who helped who last or how many times you said โ€œyesโ€ or โ€œno.โ€

Itโ€™s about showing up. Even when itโ€™s messy. Even when youโ€™re tired.

My MIL wasnโ€™t just my husbandโ€™s mother. She was a woman who gave, and gave, and never asked for much in return. She wasnโ€™t perfect, but neither was I.

We both had our seasons. And in each one, we found a way back to each other.

Not because we had toโ€”but because we wanted to.

If youโ€™ve ever felt stretched too thin, if youโ€™ve ever ignored a call because you didnโ€™t have it in you to answerโ€”itโ€™s okay. But remember: love often shows up quietly, in the form of a phone call, a warm muffin, or a ride to the dentist.

Answer when you can. And when you canโ€™tโ€”just come back when youโ€™re ready.

Because showing up, even late, is better than never showing up at all.

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